Tonks' Christmas Mischief On Remus
by pet-munchkin
Summary: She had wanted to get back at him badly for months and Christmas seemed such a wonderful opportunity... - Tonks is angry with Remus because he's mocking her all the time. As a result, she comes up with a plan to catch him off guard. Wil it work at all?
1. Plan No 1

**Pairing:** R/T (so needless to say)

**Rating:** T

**Warnings:** Strong coarse language, a lot of swearing on Tonks' part (since I couldn't help myself... -cough-)

**Length:** about 3,795 words (sufficient?)

**Disclaimer:** _A Writer's Discussion_ (yet another play of mine)

Me (dancing around): "HP so belongs to ME!!"

JKR (calmly): "So does not."

Me (teasingly): "Oh so does!!"

JKR (getting annoyed): "So does not!"

Me (outright mocking now): "Oh yeah, so does!!"

JKR (calmly again): "See these papers? It's the rights of HP and oh look! MY name is on there! Where's yours?"

Me (scowling at JKR): "I hate you..."

JKR (smirking): I get used to it.

_- To Be Continued -_

Nah, I don't really hate JKR. Actually, I have to love her, otherwise I wouldn't be a fanfiction writer now, would I? Oh yeah, we all owe her...

**Summary:** _(...) she had wanted to get back at him badly for months and Christmas seemed such a wonderful opportunity (...)_ - Not necessarily a One-Shot, if reviews show interest I'd like to make a short series out of this. AS for the content, Tonks is angry with Remus because he always succeeds in mocking her yet she has never succeeded in mocking him in return. As a result, she makes up a steel-proved plan to catch him off guard - but will it actually work?

**Beta:** ...er... better don't ask...

**Author's Notes:** Imagine: It's yesterday evening, I'm trying to make some progress on my new chaptered fic but it's not really working (blame the evil writer's block). Therefore I skip through some old story outlines of mine that have yet to be written out and made into real stories and suddenly, I trip over the beginning of a story that I had abandoned months ago. I read the little piece (not more than 400 words or so) and I just don't have the heart to erase it, thus I just simply write some more, out of fun, and then more and more and all of a sudden, there's this idea in my head and WHOOPS! I have a whole new story at hand which I hadn't, not even in the slightest, thought of before. But there it is now and I must say: It's not that bad. Well, I wish you fun reading then...

OoOoOoOoO

**Plan #1 – The Mall, The Underwear And The Irresistible Puppy-Eyes**

Christmas.

Oh, how she loved Christmas!

Christmas was… well, sorta hard to put in words. It was a mass of scents and things to see and hear; people all around in heavy jackets and coats and busy all the time, working late to finish everything until Christmas Eve; then snowy weather and cold breezes, children on the streets sleighing and snowballing; a Christmas tree in the hall that was almost big enough to reach the ceiling and decorated to the brim, presents lying under it in peaceful harmony and waiting to be wrapped open and eaten or played with or worn the next day; people singing Christmas carols all around (which was lovely even if they were out of tune – Sirius always was...); and finally the wonderful flavour of Christmas – gingerbread, cinnamon, just a hint of fir whenever she walked by the great tree in the hall, not to mention Molly's delicious stew and roasted duck as well and…

Tonks looked up from her musings.

_Him_, she thought. _Of course, him too._

_Remus__…_

_That bloody GIT!_

The man in question had entered the kitchen just then, smiling vaguely at everyone, a simple yet sweet "Morning" on his lips. He sat down in the chair next to Tonks, took a cup and pulled himself some tea while everybody else resumed eating their breakfast. Save her, that was, since she was so busy looking at Remus, frowning at him. She had been wondering all morning where he had been for he usually got up at around six and then could be found either in the kitchen or in the library. She had been searching him... well, not really, but let's say she had been on the vague look-out for the man yet she hadn't been able to find him anywhere this morning. The way he had entered the kitchen, however, had given her an idea which she hadn't thought of so far: His hair was slightly tousled, the jumper he was wearing looked rumpled just as much as the collar of the shirt he wore underneath as well as his tie, plus his voice had sounded quite a bit drowsy and his eyes seemed definitely sleepy and – had he just simply been sleeping all the time up until now? That was not at all like Remus, at least not like the Remus she knew, because the Remus she knew was a bloody soddin' gi… No, she shouldn't swear too much around Christmas, especially not in her mind. It was called the feast of family and love and bloody sod- er, just simply _forgiveness_ for a reason, wasn't it?

Tonks eyed the man at her side curiously and after a minute or two he finally seemed to have noticed and raised a quizzical eyebrow at her in return.

"It's half past ten" she said, quite simply. He seemed slightly confused.

"I noticed, Tonks, but thank you for reminding me."

"No, I meant: It's half past _ten_."

Clearly, she hadn't made her point obvious enough for he still looked puzzled and even his brows had deeply furrowed by now. She sighed. Usually it was _her_ who couldn't follow _him_ whenever he told her anything, might it be work-related or just casual conversation, but this time it seemed that he was a bit slow himself which she'd rather thought she'd never witness... not alive anyway.

"_Ten_, Remus" she told him in earnest "I really don't think I've ever seen you get out of bed this late in the morning. _Any _morning, actually."

His gaze slowly shifted from confusion to comprehension as a smile formed on his lips. A very peculiar smile, that was, a smile she had known for months now and grown to be annoyed by in a very disturbing way. It proved to be some sort of trademark smile of his: The infamous smug smile.

_Bugger that one!_

Remus picked up his cup of hot tea from the table, the smell of peppermint immediately filling Tonks' nose, and he leaned back in his chair ever so casually.

"Very good observation, Nymphadora" he said, a low professor-like tone in his voice that she could tell was feigned. She tilted her head, scowling at him.

"DON'T call me-"

"Nymphadora?" he finished her sentence, that smug smile on his face again.

"Exactly" she said, pleased and nodded before she realised with a sudden jolt of irritation that he had just called her by that hateful Christian name of hers again and couldn't help a heated exclaim from escaping her mouth: "OI!"

But Remus, calm as he always was, just took a sip of his tea and kept smiling that trademark smile of his. He clearly seemed to enjoy teasing her, all the time actually, if she considered it now, and whenever he succeeded with his mockery, which was unfortunately quite often the case, she couldn't help but feel utterly infuriated and angry at him. But that wasn't worst, because on the other hand it just proved to be a sheer impossibility to catch that man off guard himself, or at least she hadn't been able to yet and she had certainly never seen anybody have any success with this, too, not even Sirius. Tonks sometimes wondered if Remus simply _expected _everything or if he was just too composed to let himself be pushed out of this irritating calmness of his. However, in any case, she hated him. Well, no, not really, but she had wanted to get back at him badly for months and Christmas seemed such a wonderful opportunity for she didn't think that he would expect her attempting any mischief on him around this time of the year. But then again, that man expected everything, and as a result, she needed a good plan!

* * *

**_Tonks__' Christmas Mischief __On __Remus_**

_**Victim:** __Remus__ (obviously)_

_**Purpose:** Catching him off guard__ (needless to say)_

_**Means for this to be put into action:** A plan (check, see below), __Tonks-ish__ charm (__check, mirror-practised)_

_**Plan #1**__ (better place a number there just in case it fails... though it won't!)_

_**Note: Every point has to be followed strictly (!!) in order for the plan to succeed!**_

_--_

_A) Get him on his own (that means when __**nobody**__ else is around)_

_B) Talk him into buying a present for Sirius with you (that you actually already have but he doesn't know, of course...)_

_C) Lead him to the mall_

_D) __and__ directly into the woman's underwear section_

_E) Tell him that now that you're here, it wouldn't hurt to buy some new underwear as well_

_F) __and__ point out that you want him to comment on each and every single one of the pieces you intend to put on_

_G) Insist that he does!_

_H) Insist again!_

_I) Keep insisting until he agrees (Don't take no for an answer!)_

_J) Watch his embarrassment with a smug smile on your face (note: can also be the case before and after E; F; G; H)_

_K) Tell him you were joking_

_L) and that, for once, it was __**you**__ who caught **him** off guard_

_M) See J (also possible after K)_

_N) Tease him a little more (e.g. "Why, did you really think I would let you see me in underwear? Such a naughty professor you are, __Remus..." - __also__ possible in connection with J)_

_O) Tell him that you will never let him forget_

_P) __and__ put up that smug smile of yours once again_

_Q) Feel free to have a wonderful Christmas! ;D_

_R) Repeat points O; N; P in this order for the next, let's see, couple of years? (should be enough)_

_**Possible upcoming problems that should be taken into consideration (just in case):**_

_1) You might fail already at point A_

_2) or B_

_3) __or__ C (and so on)_

_4) If point 1; 2 and/or 3 is the case – Don't give up!!_

_5) If plan fails at point I, remember motto from point 4_

_6) If plan fails at point G, because you don't need to insist and he actually accepts the __Tonksian__ underwear show with that bloody __soddin__' smug smile of his – ... RUN!!_

_7) Get a new identity (after point 6) which includes having to quit your job (at least some leisure time then, huh?), walk out on your family (not as bad as it sounds), never see your friends again __(**definitely** as bad as it sounds), find a new home (London is too crowded anyway) and stop being acquainted with __Remus__ bloody __Lupin__, ever again (in this case – good!)_

_8) Shoot point 7 – stupid plan_

_9) Remember point 6 and then think of point 7 and contemplate point 8 again– maybe not such a stupid plan after all?_

_10) Sirius (no comment; just avoid)_

_11) If the whole plan works, __Remus__ might actually be angry with you_

_12) Consider solution to point 6 with regard to point 11_

_13) Shoot point 12 – stupid plan_

_14) If point 11 actually __**is**__ the case – just apologise, he'll understand (hopefully)_

_15) If solution provided in point 14 does not work, consider once again solution to point 6_

_16) Shoot point 15 – if point 11 actually __**is**__ the case and the solution provided in point 14 __**really **__does __**not**__ work: BUGGER IT ALL!!_

_17) If the unlikely event that the whole __plan #1__ fails occurs – MAKE A NEW PLAN!_

_Note: Get your arse off that chair and put your brand-new steel-proved plan into action! NOW!_

Tonks hastily got up, knocking the chair over in the process, and looked down onto the paper she had been fervently scrawling on, satisfaction written all over her face. Her plan to catch Remus off guard finally had taken on form and it seemed pretty good so far. If only she took everything into consideration now that she had written for herself to take into consideration – well, then there was no way that this plan could ever fail…

* * *

"Reeemuuus!"

Tonks let the name roll off her tongue slowly and ever so teasingly as she shouted it into the corridors of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, slowly passing every room in the process. Not that she had practised this in front of a mirror before… well, maybe she had, but everything had to be perfect for her plan to work, so every means of preparation was allowed, even stupid exercising of calling the man's name in front of a dusty old mirror. So... where was he then?

"Oh, Reeemuuus!"

Tonks called out again, a little louder and even more teasingly than before. Practice hadn't been such a bad idea after all, she noted, smiling inwardly to herself. She was standing in the stairway now, the door to the library just two steps ahead. She had thought that she should find him there, because it clearly was a Remus-thing to be found reading books all the time, but when she glanced around the corner into the room she didn't see him sitting at his usual place by the fireside – in fact, nobody was in there at all. Now _that_ was something she hadn't expected to see and felt her eyebrows shoot together. Where else could he be then? Really, this seemed quite suspicious, quite a lot actually... she wondered if-

"Looking for me, Nymphadora?"

Tonks jumped in surprise, screaming.

_MERLIN'S SODDIN' PANTS!_

With a startled movement she whirled round but in the process cockshyed the handle of the door to the library, tripped and fell right onto the ground. A sudden painful feeling shot through her head, her knees and her hands with which she had tried to cushion her fall - damn unsuccessfully though.

_Oh, GREAT!_

Lying face-down on the floor, she contemplated the voice that had just almost startled her to death and certainly had left her with a couple of new bruises at hand, and she would've even found this little wordplay funny, _at hand_, but not from this position and certainly NOT with her every part of her body hurting like this, and with rising anger she became aware of the fact that the voice clearly belonged to the man whom she had just made a 16 inch long plan for to catch off guard. However, _this_ was _not_ a point the plan had involved, especially seeing as, again, it was _her_ who had been caught off guard rather than him, but before she could even decide on getting up and slapping him twice from the left to the right across his face, she felt two strong hands grip her around her shoulders and lift her up into a halfway steady standing position. She looked at the apparent culprit/rescuer.

_Definitely __Remus__ bloody __Lupin__. And OH the BLOODY hell, is he actually SMILING again?_

"My, little lady" he exclamed in a mock-surprised tone and yes, he was definitely smiling that smug smile of his again "I see that the floor in the Black's house is an interesting piece of furnishing to admire but don't you think that you exaggerate your examinations just a tad bit too much at times, hm?"

_REMUS BLOODY SODDIN' – Oh, __shite__, calm down, __Tonks.__ Think logically, think plan-wise..._

Tonks straightened herself up in front of the man and wiped the dust off her clothes before she took a deep breath of composure. And another one. And a third one. Well, he had at least picked her up from the floor, so there was nothing to be angry about, right? Nothing. Nothing except for the obvious fact the he had startled her to death and considering that bloo… (_cough_) smug smile on his face that he wore yet again, he had done it on purpose and apparently loved the outcome. But having her plan in the back of her mind, and secure in her jeans' pocket as well, just in case she forgot anything, Tonks threw the man in front of her a wide smile and said in a sweet, innocent enough voice:

"Oh no, Remus, everything's just fine, thanks so much for asking."

Well maybe, only _maybe_, there had been some slight sarcasm in there as well. He shouldn't have noticed though.

"I see" he answered, still smiling, a litte more vaguely now "I'm sorry for startling you, I reckon it's better not to startle the ones that tend to admire the ground as a rule, I forgot." The smile changed again, into his trademark smug smile. _Oh, just __sod__ off, you hypocrite! __No wait, the plan, right._ "So, I heard you calling my name? Anything in particular you want from me?"

Tonks glared. She was almost on the verge of saying: "Don't feel so special, you prat" but of course, it was crucial to stick to the plan in order for it to work, so she rather took a quick look around, trying to make out any other sign of life. Unfortunately, she couldn't see anybody else in the stairway except the two of them. Perfect occasion then...

"Yes, actually I wanted to ask you if you could help me with something."

Remus raised a quizzical eyebrow at her and she had the hardest time keeping her eyes from rolling in annoyance. That arched eyebrow always proved to be a sign of his at-any-given-time-everything-expecting skills which she had learned to distinguish over several months of fruitless attempts at mocking him in return. She knew now that she had to be very cautious...

_Bugger, he must know that I'm up to something. __Stick to the plan, __Tonks__, use__ your charms!_

"And what, exactly, would that particular favour be that you need me to do?"

Tonks could feel her charm skills jump into action as she threw him an over-whelming, or at least so she thought, smile as an answer that usually nobody could resist, not even Sirius.

"Would you please, _please_ help me find a present for Sirius? We could go to the mall and you could be my adviser and I would be forever grateful, I promise."

This time, Remus' other eyebrow shot up, too.

_Whoops._

That was a surprise movement which almost caught her off guard - again. Unfortunately, Tonks hadn't come as far as to decipher what that meant yet.

"A present?" he said very slowly as if he couldn't believe her words and she wondered vaguely why.

"Yes" she replied sweetly, the innocent smile on her face never leaving.

"For Sirius?" he asked, equally slowly as before.

_DUH!_

"Yes" she answered yet again, hiding the growing annoyance in her voice.

"For Christmas?" Remus kept asking and she nearly lost all her patience at this, thinking that Merlin, the man could be daft sometimes, and should she write it down for him since he seemed to be more comprehensible when it came to books? Really...

"Of course" she replied in spite of herself and the not so enchanting thought that had just entered her mind, and before he even had the chance to ask her another stupid question she decided that she should make sure that he'd accompany her on her feigned shopping trip. "Don't give up" the plan had said, hadn't it, and she was going to stick to it, no matter what.

"You see, it's quite hard to find a decent little gift for my dear cousin, I'm sure you know what I mean, and therefore I thought to myself: Why not ask the man who is my dear cousin's best friend? I mean, there could be no one better than _you_ to help me out there, right?"

_HA!_

_Gotcha_.

There was no way he would ever have a chance to decline her invitation now, not anymore. That just must have got him, she thought to herself, an inward cheer of triumph erupting inside her that was quite difficult to contain. Quite certainly, this meant that he was coming with her now, for sure, and therefore the hardest part, to get the plan in progress, was done with and everything else remained just a little yet solvable problem. Oh, dear Tonks-ish charm, she could almost feel it, revenge was so nigh-

"Tonks, I'm really sorry-" she frowned, that did _not_ sound good. _Just don't give up,__ stick to the plan!_ "but-"

"Oh, Remus, pleeeaaase!" she cut across him and finally drew her most dangerous yet also most irresistible weapon to win him over: the infamous puppy eyes! If there was anything to make sure of his acceptance of her invitation, it was the big, round puppy-eyes-look that she had been practicing for years and years on her parents and then later at Hogwarts on her teachers (never worked on Snape, by the way) and of course on her boyfriends as well. She jsut knew he wouldn't be able to withstand because nobody, ever, had been able to withstand, not even Sirius. And once again she could feel it, feel charming triumph and wonderful success, because revenge, oh yes, was ever so ni-

"Tonks, really, I would love to join you and help you find a present for Sirius" Remus shook his head "but it's too late for that."

"Oh, please" she started anew, ignoring his words for a moment and instead wondering vaguely why the usually magical puppy eyes hadn't worked by now "Can't you please, please- _What?_"

Tonks looked at the man in confusion. She had just processed the meaning of what he had said and – it didn't make sense. Not at all.

"What do you mean by: _it's too late for that_?"

The look Remus gave her was sympathetic, almost pitiful which was really strange, and he shook his head once more at her. Now _that_ worried her. _What_ was going on?

"Tonks, it's Christmas already, remember? A holiday, if you haven't noticed, and clearly you know that there are no shops open on holidays."

Wha-?

...

But-

That-

How-

...

Oh-

_Bugger._

"Bugger."

It was all that Tonks could think of at this moment. _Bugger._ A holiday? Really? Christmas Eve was a soddin' _holday_? REALLY? And WHY ever wasn't this included in her plan? HUH?

_Oh, screw the bloody plan. It's worthless!!_

Remus looked at Tonks, a smile of sympathy on his face. Could he have chosen anything worse than this to make fun of her?

"You know, if you want, you can have half of my present for Sirius. It's gloves and a scarf for a dog, actually" he chuckled, she did so not think it was funny, well, not at the moment... "So why don't we split it up between us?"

Tonks contemplated for a second. Not his suggestion, of course, for it was ridiculous but she rather contemplated the obvious flaw in her plan that she hadn't thought of or simply overlooked at the time and damn, it bugged her like hell. So stupid, really, how could she ever have missed?

"No, thanks, that's… that's okay, I reckon I'll think of something myself" she answered feebly, unable to keep the disappointment out of her voice about the implausible fact that her plan, indeed, had failed though very possibly Remus thought that it was because she didn't have a present for Sirius. But of course she had one, he just didn't know, and oh, bugger that, it didn't matter anyway right now. _DAMN_, why ever did she have to forget all about _holidays_? Bloody, soddin' holidays!

"Oh... right, okay" Remus said, nodding his approval. He seemed to comtemplate for a second, shifting from one foot to the other, then added: "Well, er... then, if you'll excuse me" and he went past her as he made his way further downstairs. He shot one last glance at her, she hoped she had only imagined the beginning of a half-amused smile crossing his face, before he went on and was gone the next second. Tonks, however, remained still and frozen on the spot, glaring after him, wishing on some lucky star that he'd stumble and fall right this moment and hurt himself so much that she'd be left standing above him on the stairs, laughing at his fractured body in a maniac fashion. Unfortunately, no stars were visible. And unfortunately, Remus wasn't as clumsy as she was and therefore no sound of a man falling down the stairs and groaning at the pain being caused in the process reached her ears and she was actually left standing on the stairs, glaring at nothing in particular now that he was out of sight. Almost absend-mindedly, she reached a hand down into her pocket and pulled out the piece of paper where she had scribbled the plan on. She went down to point 17 immediately, the only one that remained to be of value anymore, and read it.

_17) If the unlikely event that the whole __plan #1__ fails occurs – MAKE A NEW PLAN!_

...

Well, at least she had thought of that.

OoOoOoOoO

SO, this is my very first vacation into the comedy genre. Actually, it was quite some fun to write and I really hope you had fun reading as well. I would really love to make a chaptered fic out of this (though I don't think there'd be too many chapters), but at first I would like to know what you think. Was is any good? Please, please let me know! ;D

For this **review's bribe** you have the possibility to make your very own plan to catch Remus off guard. Funny, naughty, awkward, cross situations included, of course. But for the rec, don't be too disappointed if you won't succeed, because apparently nobody ever has...

So let's all practise the infamous puppy-eyes-look (SWEET!); bye bye und tschüß


	2. Plan No 2

**Length:** about 6,070 words (It's sufficient for a chapter, right?)

**Disclaimer:** _The Wicked Witch Of The East_ or _Jord _(it's play-time!)

Me (walking up to Harry Potter, smiling): Hi, darling!

HP (surprised, then confused): Er... sorry, do I know you?

Me (slapping him playfully): Oh, _you_! Don't you remember the woman who created you?

HP (even more confused): Yeah, actually, I do. And actually, that was J. K. Rowling. She owns all the rights.

Me (grabbing his arm tightly all of a sudden, smiling wickedly): No, no, wait, you got that wrong. _I_ am that woman!

HP (jerking his arm away, afraid): Erm... right... okay... I'll... just go now... er... (backing away slowly, then faster until outright running)

Me (staring after him, then screaming): You'll be mine, Harry Potter! You'll see! ALL of you will be MINE!! (laughing very wickedly and maliciously until light fades out...)

- _To Be Continued_ -

Oh god! I've become insane! ... Well, could be worse, right? (Between, I've decided to write more plays for disclaimers. They're just too funny, really. Erm, they are, right? O.o?)

**Author's Notes:** Hm, this sorta took me long. -sigh- But I finally managed to complete the chapter, thank Merlin! However, I have the slightest doubt here, thinking that I probably exaggerated things a bit too much here and there and well, everywhere. I picked up cliché where Remus is concerned (you'll see) and Tonks is just mean, I would've never thought she could be this mean. Oh, and Sirius? Better not talk about that git, really. It's interesting but in the end, Remus is the most innocent of them all (at least in this chappie here). Funny, huh? Anyway, I hope you won't be too deterred after finishing this (because you might as well be) and therefore, I wish you fun reading...

OoOoOoOoO

**Plan #2 – The Innocent Accomplice, The False Revelation And The Criminal's Flight**

"Nymphadora, would you pass me the milk, please?"

Tonks shoved another spoonful of stew into her mouth before she looked up at the man who had just addressed her. It proved to be the public enemy Number One also known as Remus bloody Lupin or the apparent person opposite at the dining table in the kitchen of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. It was a quarter to one and they were having lunch together with Molly and Sirius and so far, Tonks hadn't been able to think up another plan yet to catch the man off guard. However, she had figured that with a full stomach she'd be able to think a lot better than in a hungry state and thus it shouldn't be long before she would come up with another masterpiece of hers. Though this time, it would definitely _not_ fail!

"Sorry, Remus, could you say that again, please?" she asked in return, a mockingly sweet tone in her voice, the one she had practised in front of the mirror with evident success.

"The milk, Nymphadora" Remus tried again and pointed with one of his long fingers at the bottle filled with the liquid in question which stood right next to Tonks' plate. She gave it a quick look, then drew her eyes back to Remus' and raised both her eyebrows at him as if she couldn't understand at all what he wanted her to do now. Shoving another spoonful of stew into her mouth, she took her time to swallow before she turned to her right and asked Sirius who was with boredom crumbling little pieces of bread into his own stew:

"Say, do you have any idea whom Remus is addressing? Because I don't seem to know that person, and in fact" she made a little pause "I don't even _see_ that person here sitting with us."

Tonks locked eyes with Remus again, smiling widely, and he gave her that one-eyebrow-raised-look in return which she could easily decipher as the You-can't-get-me-little-lady-look by now. _Old School, __Remus__. Come up with something better_. When she didn't say anything else or make any attempt at all to hand him the bottle of milk, he let his eyebrow wander slowly back to its known place and simply sighed. _Too bad._

"Fine" he said calmly and then turned to the bread-crumbling man himself: "Sirius, would you be so kind as to actually accept your Christian name and feel addressed when I ask you to pass me the milk, please?"

Tonks shot Remus an angry glare as he threw her that smug smile of his, the one that she had come to hate lately. She faced Sirius, too, who had been anxiously looking from his cousin to his best friend and back, and tried to send him an obvious message via eye contact: _Don't you dare!_ He seemed to have understood for he quickly resumed his former occupation, muttering: "Sorry, mate, but quite fond of living…", and thus started to crumble little pieces of bread into his stew once more. Tonks was overly satisfied with herself and glanced back at Remus, smiling a smile of obvious triumph. _Won, won, WON! _However, he neither seemed upset nor surprised, well, not that she had really expected him to be, after all, that man was the master of composure, but he just sighed for a second time.

_Bloody coolness...__ Where does he take it from?_

"Fine" he said, just like before, and then suddenly stood up from his chair and attempted to walk over. Tonks, having foreseen the oncoming danger, quickly grabbed the bottle of milk and held it firmly to her chest, a determined look on her face. Remus walked around the table in casual, slow steps until he stood in front of her, hands in his pockets and an amused look on his face. She might have actually found it adorable if it hadn't been so bloody infuriating. But he could stand there all the way he wanted to and throw her all the smuggest smiles of his, and yet she knew one thing for sure and that was that she wouldn't let go of the bottle - _ever_. And she certainly would _not_ let him win, not this time.

"Oh Tonks, please, will you stop acting like a teenager and just give dear Remus the bottle?"

Molly looked at the young witch with an annoyed expression on her face. Well, nobody could really blame the woman for any outbursts, at least not since her husband had been attacked, so Tonks was rather compassionate when it came to her, but why ever did Molly have make it sound so reprimanding? And no wonder she was on _dear_ Remus' side! Everybody always was, because they thought that that soddin' excuse for a man was oh-so-very-nice and oh-so-completely-caring and an oh-so-absolute-gentlemen though actually, he wasn't, at all, because Remus Lupin was nothing more than a bloody, soddin' gi-

"Nymphadora!" Molly exclaimed all of a sudden, now almost in rage. Tonks winced and then scowled at her but as the woman continued to look cross and the glance slowly shifted to an expression of outright fury, she let go of the bottle, even if very hesitantly and with more than obvious resistance. Remus, however, didn't take the bottle out of Tonks' hands; he actually stretched out his own and waited for her to give him what he wanted. Tonks furrowed her brows and looked at him in slight confusion. He had already won - did he want to literally _bathe_ in his glory now? Now, this was certainly getting more and more annoying by second and she was sure that if she could see her own face in the mirror at this very moment, she would look just as cross as Molly, or even more.

_Git.__ Stupid bloody __soddin'-_

"Just take it already!" she snapped at Remus, holding the bottle out for him, almost shoving it into his chest. A shameful defeat by the enemy was one thing but she would _not_ surrender completely. As it was, he seemed to have pity with her, which actually didn't make her feel that much better, and eventually took the bottle out of her hands. She had the sudden urge to magically open it and make the milk splash out right into his face but considering Molly, she discarded the idea and left it at that.

"Thank you, _Nymphadora_" Remus said with particular emphasis on her name and she wondered if that bloody smug smile on his face had been glued on by some invisible yet certainly cruel force of nature. He went back to his previously abandoned place, sat down and poured himself some milk while Tonks' angry glare followed his every step.

_Definitely glued-on smug smile.__ That git!_

Tonks gave him one last fierce look that he just caught in time to return it with… _same old, same old_. If she didn't have such neat table manners, she thought, she'd probably have hurled herself at him by now. _Maybe I should_, she mused fleetingly but then took a glimpse at Molly who was still looking quite cross, grumpily eating her own stew and occasionally glancing at Tonks with a glare and a muscle twitching just below her right eye. _Fine, maybe not._ Tonks grudgingly resumed eating in silence thinking that, soon, oh yes _very_ soon, things would look a lot better for her and a lot worse for Mister "Glued-On Smug Smile"…

* * *

**_Tonks__' Christmas Mischief __On __Remus__ – The Second (actually)_**

_**Victim:** Mr. "Glued-On Smug Smile" formerly known as __Remus__ bloody __Lupin_

_**Purpose:** Catching him off guard and also wiping that smug smile off his face!! (__these__ two seem to go along very well, don't they?)_

_**Means for this to be put into action:** A plan (check, see below), __Tonks-ish__ charm (check, mirror-practised, twice), Sirius (check, innocent unknowing accomplice, too bad for him...)_

_**Plan #2**__ (knew it was smart to put that number there... However this time, the plan certainly __**won't**__ fail!)_

_Rules (__**definitely**__ needed):_

_- think thoroughly about every point before writing it down (i.e. any flaws? closed shops? – Better don't ____make the same mistake again, __Tonks.)_

_-follow__ every single point in given order – strictly (!!)_

_-Expect everything!!_

_-No wait, do not expect everything, that's what __Remus__ does and who would want to be like that stupid, bloody, sod- whatever._

_-Or maybe…? Nah, just expect as much as you have to expect, that'll do._

_--_

_A) Find the innocent accomplice that goes by the name "Sirius"_

_B) Tell him that you have something important to tell him_

_C) then tell him – er, the important something, that is..._

_D) __the__ important something being that, attention now: REMUS IS GAY! (-evil laugh-)_

_E) In addition, tell the innocent accomplice aka Sirius: REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH HIM! (-evil laugh- #2)_

_F) Watch Sirius frown_

_G) Watch Sirius consider the possibility_

_H) Watch him make a disgusted face_

_I) Do **not** laugh! (damn hard that one!)_

_J) Remember the laughing rule! (however, you are allowed to turn your face away a bit if the pressure's too much)_

_K) Watch Sirius shake his head in earnest_

_L) Make that cool one-eyebrow-raised-look that you learned from Remus (the bloody git) when the innocent accomplice tells you that you must be wrong_

_M) Watch Sirius become anxious at your obvious coolness_

_N) Should be funny, so wait just a little more… (he might actually begin to get all nervous and uncomfortable, isn't that amusing?)_

_O) Remember I and J_

_P) If you're done waiting, then finally tell him that you are serious_

_Q) then tell him that **no**, you're not **Sirius**, that's **him** obviously, but you're just **serious** and… oh, whatever, he's not as daft as Remus is, he'll understand (stupid puns...)_

_R) Consider Q once more – well, it **is** Sirius after all, so the daft part probably may be right…_

_S) Anyway, if he actually **does** understand yet doesn't believe you, tell him about the oh-so-very-obvious evidence (e.g. "Sirius, really, do you have **eyes **in your head? **I** have noticed by now, Molly has, even Arthur has! It's just **you** who doesn't get it. I mean, the way he looks at you, the way he acts around you – isn't it just obvious?")_

_T) In case he needs more evidence, say: "God, Sirius, Remus **told** me! I just thought it wouldn't be fair if you didn't know…"_

_U) Remember I and J yet again (it's hard, but it's worth it!)_

_V) Watch Sirius' happy laughing face falter and comprehension settle on it instead (hm... might as well be fear?)_

_W) Maybe pity him, just for a sec…_

_X) Shoot point W - why?_

_Y) Then pat him sympathetically on his shoulder_

_Z) Never forget I and J (think: "Must. Not. Laugh. Must. Stay. Serious." - oh bugger, pun again...)_

_a) Leave the innocent accomplice_

_b) but before that, tell him: "I think you should better go talk to Remus."_

_c) Switch a and b – very confusing otherwise_

_d) When you're positive that you're on your own again – abandon I and J and laugh all the way you want!_

_e) but before that, put on that smug smile of yours again_

_f) Switch d and e – and stop being so confusing!_

_g) When you're done laughing and smirking, look out for Sirius again (discreetly)_

_h) Follow him (discreetly!)_

_i) and watch him talk to Remus_

_j) Watch Remus get embarrassed (-evil laugh- #3)_

_k) Watch some more_

_l) Better watch the whole scene (should be too funny!)_

_m) Remember d and e again_

_n) but before that remember f because d and e were switched_

_o) Switch m and n – great, now I'm completely confused…_

_p) Anyway, feel free to have a lovely Christmas (very, **very** lovely indeed!)_

**_Possible upcoming problems that should be taken into consideration (just in case):_**

_1) You might fail already at point- oh, whatever. Just **don't** give up!_

_2) If you fail at point I and/or J – hold on, the solution to this is already provided in point J…_

_3) Don't mind point 2 – utterly superfluous_

_4) Consider the possibility that Remus might actually **be** gay…_

_5) ..._

_6) ..._

_7) ..._

_8) Shoot points 4, 5, 6 and 7 – Makes my head ache… (-shudder-)_

_8) Consider the possibility that Sirius might actually **be**- no, wait, don't go there..._

_9) If you fail at point S and/or T – see solution to point 1_

_10) If you fail at point- god, this is beginning to annoy me. New solution to point 1, 9 and 10: **Don't fail!**_

_11) Consider solution to point 10 again – yeah, sure, big chance since you so absolutely **didn't** fail last time, right…_

_12) Shoot point 11 – Self-consciousness not allowed! (And no sarcasm as well!)_

_13) Consider the possibility of angry Remus again (as seen in point 11 from plan #1)_

_14) Solution to point 13: Make sure Sirius won't tell him about you being the one to have spread the rumour!_

_15) With regard to point 14 consider the fact that Remus will thoroughly deny any accusations_

_16) Remember point 4 – he might not deny anything after al- no wait, head ache, severe head ache!_

_17) Better be prepared for angry Remus since Sirius might be angry at you as well if he finds out that you lied to him and embarrassed him and so he might actually tell Remus who the apparent person with the rumour-spreading ability was therefore you will have one angry cousin and one angry git angrily (-.-;) throwing themselves at you…_

_18) Oh shite, fear the outcome of point 17!!_

_19) Anyway, if point 17 actually **is** the case – leg it! FAST!!_

_20) Therefore, consider scenario of point 7 from plan #1 again – you know; changing identity, quitting your job etc._

_21) Shoot point 20 – stupid plan_

_22) Consider point 17 (scary!) once more, then contemplate point 19 and 20 again – Seems as if there's no other solution available…_

_23) Bugger._

_24) Hope that point 17 won't be the case, otherwise: Bye, bye to my life as I have known you. We had some great times together. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun… huh, sounds so familiar, I wonder why…? (Remus' fault, always listens to these bloody old records!)_

_25) And this time, if the very, very unbelievably unlikely event that the whole plan #2 fails occurs – FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, MAKE A NEW PLAN THAT WORKS!!_

_Note: Get your arse off that bloody bed of yours already and put your brand-new plan into action!_

Tonks jumped up hastily from her bed yet unfortunately tripped over the blanket that she had thrown over her legs earlier and fell with a hard thump onto the floor.

_Bugger._

She rolled over onto her back, rubbing her aching nose and then held the piece of parchment that she had been fervently scrawling on up for herself to read. She smiled, despite herself, satisfaction filling her from head to toe. Finally, her second plan to catch Remus off guard had taken on form and it seemed to be even better than the first one. However this time, there was no flaw in it, because all she needed was her cousin as innocent and unknowing accomplice and it was much easier for her to make him believe everything she said since Sirius had on several occasions proved to be quite susceptible to her infamous puppy-eyes-look. And therefore, there was no way that this new plan could ever fail…

* * *

"Sirius?"

Tonks peeked around the corner into the living room. Sure enough, there was her innocent, unknowing accomplice sitting in an armchair, snoring his head off. She smiled mischievously at the sight of him and quickly took a brief look around - no one else was in the room and neither in the corridor. Perfect occasion then, the time had come to put her plan into action…

"Sirius, my _dear _cousin" she called out with practised sweetness in her voice and then tiptoed nearer until she stood right next to his chair. Bending down, she eyed him curiously from the front, expecting an answer of some sort yet-

Nothing.

"Sirius? You awake?"

He didn't respond. In fact, she thought that she heard him snore even louder than before. She frowned for a moment, considering the possibility to grab her wand, point it at him and mumble _Aguamenti_ under her breath. It'd be too-

_Funny._

Yet, in spite of the amusing image that had formed in her mind, she didn't do it for she figured that a wet Sirius dripping of water might not be very cooperative to any mischief anymore, or let's say prepared for the world-shifting revelation that she was going to surprise him with very soon. So she simply settled for poking his cheek.

He didn't even stir.

_Merlin_, she thought, that man must be able to sleep through anything. He probably wouldn't even notice if Bellatrix, his other _dear_ cousin, was standing in the doorway, shooting curse after curse at him. Maybe she should morph into her and find out? Nah, she didn't want him to have a heart attack, especially not since it might affect her plan in the negative sense, therefore she just poked his cheek a second time, harder now, and he woke up with a sudden jerk.

"What the bloody-"

He seemed slightly disorientated, waving widely with his arms and Tonks had to step back a few times for she didn't want to be hit by him. When he caught sight of her, he frowned and narrowed his eyes at her, obviously not amused by the way she had woken him up.

"Merlin's soddin' pants; did you really have to wake me just now?" he exclaimed heatedly. She simply shrugged at him, smiling. He growled and sank back in his chair, seemingly contemplating for a second before he added dreamily "I was remembering that day I went out with Judy – _something _– I don't remember her last name, but we got locked in an old cupboard at Hogwarts together and well, sort of-"

"Too much information" Tonks said very quickly and held up both of her hands, indicating for him to stop talking. "I really do _not_ want to know what you did in there with whomever or why. Not now. Not ever in the future. In fact, I think I can live without knowing quite well."

He watched her for a moment, then broke out in a loud, almost ear-splitting bark of laughter. She sighed, trying not to let any anger well up. Sirius was known for laughing his head off anyway, she should have seen it come, really, so no reason for letting herself be infuriated by his behaviour.

"Better not" he agreed finally when he had composed himself and then got up, somewhat clumsily, rubbing his back as if he'd be an old wanker. Well, he sorta was maybe... "You little toddlers are not ready for the truth these days."

_Ah yes, definitely an old wanker._

"Excuse me?" she said, letting her hands slowly glide down to her waist in an attempt to take the Molly-position also known as the _ARTHUR!!-What-did-you-do-again!?_-position whereas the name could be easily replaced by one of her children's. "Did I hear you mention the word _toddlers_ in connection with me?"

He laughed again, even harder this time.

_Git._

She felt the somewhat slight, actually more of a strong need to hex him into oblivion and almost thought she might when with regret she remembered the reason she had been looking for him in the first place. The plan, bugger, she really needed to stick to the soddin' plan. And therefore, she shouldn't be hexing her cousin – well, for _now_.

"Whatever" she sighed eventually and took a lungful of air, getting ready for the big surprise. She figured that she should proceed with the plan as soon as possible for they were alone at present but anyone, worst of all Remus, could burst in at any given moment. So now, it was all – or nothing.

_Here we go._

"Sirius?" she said tentatively yet in earnest still and then put up a face torn between hesitancy and doubt. It was feigned, of course, but she knew he wouldn't know because _maybe_ she had exercised it in front of the mirror as well. She had just wanted to make sure that he would believe her to tell him the truth when actually, she didn't, and at least for now it seemed to work quite well. He looked at her, the laughing had died away and instead a little crinkle had formed on his forehead. Really, such a poor man that was about to get shocked to death in a mere second. Should she be sorry for him? But then again, collateral damage was unavoidable, always had been, he would simply have to live with it – or not if he actually was going to die from shock. Yeah, well…

"Sirius, I came here" she began, then made a deliberate pause and acted as if she would feel nervous, not quite know what to say or even how to formulate what she wanted to say. "There is something" she started another sentence, then stopped again, shifting from one foot to the other. She took a brief glance at him but quickly looked away, on purpose but of course he didn't know. Merlin, the effect was stunning. All of a sudden, Sirius seemed unsure of her, of himself even, as if he was unable to make out what she wanted from him or probably simply afraid of what she had to tell him, not knowing what it was and that yes, he should actually be afraid of it. Tonks instantly felt a laugh well up but she suppressed it with all her might which was rather difficult already.

_Remember the laughing rule!_

Merlin, this was going to be really hard... and yet she went on, playing her role. _Brave Tonks._ She took another deep breath.

"I need to tell you something" she said finally and very quickly and then looked her unknowing accomplice straight in his eyes. She could definitely see uncertainty and a little hint of fear there and an inward cheer erupted in her stomach as she realised that he was acting precisely the way she had thought he would. Everything according to plan then, she just had to push the matter a bit more…

"I-" she said and stopped again for yet another dramatic pause "Well-" she sighed, furrowing her brows as if in doubt "It's-" a third dramatic, well-placed pause before she continued "Sirius, it's Remus."

"What about him?" the man asked anxiously and seemed so very unsure, uncertain of the way she acted, without knowing, of course, that she was about to break out in laughter any second. What had point Z suggested? Ah yes, _Must. Not. Laugh. Must. Stay. Serious._ Easier said than done, really...

"I don't know-" she started, took another long inhale and her eyes began to search the room. _Drama_, she thought idly, there should have been a drama club or something in Hogwarts, she would have fitted utterly well in there. "This is not easy for me to say."

"Tonks!" Sirius exclaimed suddenly and she had the impression that he was getting slightly impatient by now. "Just spit it out already!"

She locked eyes with him again, attempting a sympathetic face. The way she had practised it, yet again.

_Really? Just spit it out? Oh dear cousin, you might have that heart attack after all but fine, if that's what you want…_

"He loves you."

Silence.

Perfect!

Nothing but utter silence – just as she had expected it. Tonks waited a moment, giving the information some time to seep into her poor cousin's brain. She bit her lip quite hard this time against laughter and hoped he wouldn't notice. It was just too funny to even think about his situation, although, admitted, she'd have been quite shocked herself if anybody told her that her best friend was in love with her. But then again, she wasn't the victim here, she was the _criminal_, and everything was according to the genius criminal's plan which was oh-so-fan-bloody-tastic! She almost couldn't believe how well it worked.

After twenty seconds of mischievous thoughts on her part, probably mind-wrecking ones on Sirius' part, she thought she might as well tell him some more, just to make sure that he had really, truly got it all.

"Remus is in love with you, Sirius" she told him in earnest and with the most serious tone she could muster which was actually quite good considering this hilarious situation. And, as if it wouldn't be enough already, she added in a dramatic whisper: "I just thought you should know…"

Silence.

Oh, that wonderful, beautiful, fantastic silence!

Tonks looked at her dumbstruck cousin and he looked back, his mouth speechless, all the colour seemingly gone from his face, and his eyes so very wide all of a sudden. Merlin, what was she to do if they popped out just then? Laugh? She really wanted to, desperately, but she thought it might spoil the moment and besides, she would have time for that later anyway.

"Sirius?" she called out ever so softly, attempting to ask him if he was all right. Probably she really did pity him a bit, just a tiny little bit, but before she could say anything else he cut across her:

"I knew."

_Huh?_

"Sorry?"

_HUH?_

Now, that was _odd_… Suddenly his face had grown strange. Very, very strange indeed. Wait a moment, was that an actual _smile_ she saw there?

"I always knew!" Sirius exclaimed and yes, there was definitely a large smile making its way across his face.

_WHAT?_

Tonks couldn't believe it. Her cousin was joking, for sure; he _had to_ be for if he was smiling _that way_ it could only mean that he was joking. She opened her mouth in an attempt to say something but shut it again. She couldn't think of anyting. Sirius was looking at her, smiling in a confusingly wicked way and she couldn't think of anything, at all, to comment on that. It was too strange to even comprehend.

"Are you sure?" he asked her and the question sounded so oddly excited that she almost felt her mouth fall open. Instead, a rather deep crinkle formed between her eyebrows as she nodded, slowly, just slightly. His smile grew even wider at this until he was almost outright grinning. GRINNING! A strange, wicked grin!

_What the-?_

"Brilliant!" Sirius exclaimed in joy and excitement and Tonks almost jumped in surprise, shocked at the sudden intensity of his voice. Merlin, that had come out of nowhere and had he just said-

_Brilliant?_

Now, her mouth really did fall open. That just couldn't be, right? That just wasn't- Oh, right, something was wrong with her ears, that was all! Something was utterly wrong with her hearing ability, because-

_BRILLIANT??_

And all of a sudden, Sirius ran forward and pulled her into the firmest hug she had ever experienced. He might as well have pointed his wand at her and crushed her lungs with it – it would have had the same effect. And the bloody hell, what did he mean, _brilliant_? Was he mucking her around now? Tonks just didn't understand. Instead, she was stunned. _Brillaint_? The word seemed to be replaying itself in her head over and over and over again and she couldn't, simply could not understand it. There was no way that this could ever, _ever_ be happening, because she knew that Remus wasn't- and Sirius certainly wasn't as well- At least she had always thought that- … But…

_NO WAY!_

"Merlin's soddin' pants, get off me!" Tonks shouted, having regained her consciousness again and therefore struggling now to get out of her cousin's literally breathtaking hug. "Sirius, I'm serious! GET. OFF. ME!"

He retreaded and she backed away from him, inhaling deeply and feeling her lungs slowly extend to their normal size again. She needed a moment to compose herself, needed a moment to comprehend. Merlin… BLOODY HELL! She tried to look at Sirius but her eyes wouldn't move and once again she couldn't think, couldn't seem to hold a clear thought. This was so – not – happening. Because Sirius wasn't… because Sirius definitely, undoubtedly was not… But that laugh, that _laugh_…? Did it really mean that he actually _was_…? No way! She couldn't say it, couldn't even think it and yet she knew it might be true since that laugh, that odd wicked _laugh_ of his … and therefore Sirius must be-

_OH MY GOD!!_

"Aw, that's so sweet, you think I'm gay, right?"

Tonks finally managed to look up, her chest heaving as she was panting from lack of air, whether because of his lung-crushing hug or because she had just found out that he probably was that exactly, she didn't know. She only knew that her cousin was definitely still smiling, although something seemed different all of sudden. It had changed somehow, his grin seemed strangely ironic now, mocking even… what the-?

"Wha- Are you _not_?" she asked before she could even think about the question logically. His grin grew even wider at this, his face could have probably been split into a half. She frowned at him and almost felt stupid. She just didn't get it.

"_Brilliant_, Sirius" she yelled desperately, almost at the top of her lungs "I told you Remus loved you and you said _brilliant_!"

"I did, indeed" he answered and his voice sounded oh-so-very amused. It was... _Right. _So now, Tonks was just confused. What was the man playing at? Really? A minute ago Sirius had been overly delighted about the obviously incorrect fact that Remus loved him and now he was acting as if it was something to be amused about...? Probably, she should curse his arse off and see if that would help with his confusing behaviour, even if only a bit, Tonks mused. But just as she was about to decide on whether to grab her wand and perform an arse-or-something-else-hurting spell or not, Sirius reached behind his back and pulled a piece of parchment out of his jeans' pockets, presenting it for her to read. It said on the top:

_Tonks' Christmas Mischief On Remus – The Second (actually)_

Wha-?

Tonks' eyes widened while she examined the piece.

_BLOODY HELL!_

Her whole plan #2 to catch Remus off guard was on there in her very own slightly clumsy handwriting. How in the bloody world had Sirius got his filthy fingers on it? She looked up from the parchment to her cousin and back, for the second time this afternoon shocked and clearly unable to formulate a coherent sentence:

"What the- How did you- Where did you- …"

She trailed off as she saw him smirk at her. SMIRK at her!

"You probably wonder where I found this, right?"

_Found_ it? _Stole_ it was the more likely term!

"See, I was looking for you about an hour ago but you weren't in your room. However, I found this" he waggled the 34 inch long plan in front of her nose "on your table, lying there for everybody to read. And, well, I thought you wouldn't mind if I took a quick look…"

_WHAT?_

Fury boiled in Tonks' chest as she glared at her cousin, almost certain that he would dissolve into a pool of nothingness under her sharp stare. Curse his arse off? Oh, _yes_, she would _definitely_ do that! And worse!

"I just wonder, you know" he went on, ignoring the sharp glare of pure fury which she was throwing him hoping that it would peel his skin off ever so achingly slow and painfully. "Say, my little cousin, do you have a crush on Moony or what is your problem with him?"

_Fine, that's it,_ Tonks screamed in her head. _ENOUGH! _Her apparently not so innocent accomplice was going to die, right here and now and nobody, she was sure of that, would even shed a single tear for him. Besides, by the time she'd be done with him, there wouldn't be much left of his sorry sight, not really. So when, without a warning, she darted forwards, pure red-hot anger written all over her face and flowing through every single one of her veins, she didn't even think about using her wand against him anymore. She just threw herself at Sirius as if they were in a box fight and attempted to rip her plan out of his grasp while beating him everywhere she could get her hands on - or her feet.

"Give me that, you stupid git!" she cried furiously "How could you ever-"

"What are you doing?" he cut across her in both astonishment and anxiousness, stunned by the sheer force with which she had flung herself at him and almost tripping backwards because of it. "Tonks, bugger it, get off me!"

"I said GIVE ME THAT!"

They struggled with each other, both trying to claim the piece of parchment for themselves. Thankfully, Sirius seemed not too keen on beating up a young woman or a relative of his, Tonks didn't quite know which, and therefore he only reluctantly defended himself, more backing away from her than really trying to take his part in the fight. She, on the other hand, was more than keen, rather determined to hurt him as much as she could, so she hit him hard, kicked his shinbone, whipped his head, trying to make him whimper like a little girl while she reclaimed her belongings from him. But of course, he deserved it. That soddin' old wanker of a git from the bloodiest hell ever! He _so_ deserved to be beaten up by a woman!

"Give me that!"

"Tonks, I tell you-"

"I'll curse you into oblivion!"

"If you don't get away from me-"

"I'll kill you!"

"I will surely-"

"DIE!!"

"_What_ is going on here?"

Tonks and Sirius stopped right in the middle of their struggle, both quickly turning their heads towards the direction where the surprised voice had come from. Of course, as if she didn't have problems enough already, there was no other than Remus bloody Lupin standing in the doorway, looking quite confused from one cousin to the other, a slight crinkle on his forehead and one of his eyebrows arching upwards, upwards… Ah yes, _that_ look again.

Tonks stared at him, shocked, the third time this evening as she noticed, and swallowed heavily. Of all people, _why_ Remus? Why did it have to be _him_ finding his best friend and the woman who hated him the most caught up in a life-and-death-struggle about a plan that clearly stated him to love a man? Merlin, could this get any worse now? Tonks faced Sirius and he looked back at her. She had the sudden impression that yes, actually this could get a lot worse with this obviously malicious accomplice of hers. She wondered fleetingly why ever this hadn't been included in her plan, but then thought that if it had, it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because she was in this situation now and she had to get out, one way or another. So she bored her eyes into her cousin's and attempted to send him the very same message which she had sent him over lunch that day. She hoped he would get it and retreat.

_Bugger._

This time, as it seemed, Sirius was not at all afraid of losing his head. In fact, the most mischievous smirk she had ever seen in her life slowly spread across his face and before she knew it, he was sending his own message at her: _You know, I think I actually will._ And then, as if in slow motion, he turned to face Remus.

_No! NO!_

"Moony, my old friend, so nice of you to stop by" Sirius cooed in a sweet voice very much resembling Tonks' practised one. "Actually, I think you came just in time for me to tell you that our little metamorph here-"

_DAMN!_

With a fast movement, born out of outright fury against Sirius and fear of what he was going to tell Remus in about less than a second, Tonks snatched the parchment out of her cousin's hands – and fled from the crime scene.

OoOoOoOoO

ATTENTION! Please note that unlike Tonks you're not allowed to flee from the crime scene! You actually read the piece, now you have to review or you'll be arrested by either Remus or Tonks. ;D Wait, or is it that precisely what you want? If so, it'll suit as review's bribe for today... ;)

So there you go, I probably totally exaggerated with this chapter. But it was fun to write anyway and I do admit that I like the cliffhanger! (-evil laugh- #4) Aren't you curious now what will happen further? I can tell you as much: it'll stay funny (hopefully) but it'll get a bit romantic as well, if one could say so... you'll see.

Let's all fling ourselves at Sirius (or Remus or Tonks, whomever you want - think I'll choose Remus myself!); bye bye und tschüß


	3. Plan No 3

**Length:** about 6,630 words (Sweet Merlin!)

**Disclaimer:** _Beware, Beware The Mighty Hare_ or _Jord #2_ (Play-time? Definitely!)

HP (coming up to JKR who is currently sitting at Fortescue's eating stawberry icecream): Joanne?

JKR (looking up, rather surprised): Huh? Oh hi, Harry.

HP: We need to talk.

JKR: What about?

HP: I think I have a... a... a _stalker_.

JKR: WHAT?

HP: You see, there's this particular girl following me around all the time. Her name's... er... something with _Jo_ or so...

JKR: Oh, _Jord_ you mean.

HP: Right! That's the one, she's bloody freaking me out!

JKR (smiling understandably, patting HP): Oh, it's all right, poppet. I know she's insane but harmless all the same. She's one of those girls who want to get your rights from me.

HP: Oh... okay... But Merlin, aren't you scared? I mean, I am!

JKR: Nah... she'll drop it one day, I'm sure.

Me (lurking behind a nearby bush, whispering to herself): Really? Oh, poor JKR. But I reckon you'll be proven wrong _very soon_... (evil, maniacal laugh 'till light fades out)

_- To Be Continued -_

Oh dear, I swear I'd never go stalk HP (or Daniel Radcliffe for that matter) in real life! That privilege would more likely belong to David Thewlis... ;D

**Author's Notes:** So there you go, next chapter of _Tonks' Christmas Mischief On Remus_. I'm really sorry this took me so long but when I was done writing this chapter, I just wasn't happy with it and I kept changing it and adding little things and erasing other things as well. -sigh- And although I'm finally done, more or less, I cannot say that I'm completely satisfied, and probably it's also just way too long but I couldn't get myself to cut anything out anymore. Lucky for you, this is the moment in which I remember the first lines of the Green Day's song _Basket Case_: "Do you have the time/To listen to me whine/About nothing and everything/All at once?" Well, I don't think so, therefore I wish you fun with reading now (it might take you a while though)...

OoOoOoOoO

**Plan #3 – The Angry Sweet, The Smug-Smiling Denier And The Lucky Third**

_Blimey._

Tonks slumped down onto the floor, unable to even comprehend the words she had just heard. She couldn't believe it. There was no way, absolutely no way that Remus bloody Lupin... thought of her as _sweet_?

"Sweet?" came Sirius' slightly surprised voice out of the living room.

_Sweet?_

"When she's glaring at me, fuming with anger and about ready to strangle me…" she could hear Remus' soft chuckle as his voice trailed off for a second "Yes, in a way she looks positively sweet at these moments."

_Sweet?_

Oh Bugger.

Tonks turned her head to the side, trying to look through the little split between the door and the frame next to her. Unfortunately, she couldn't see much there and certainly neither of the two people who were inside. _Shite_, because she would give anything now to see his face, see that gits face who had just turned her world upside down. _Sweet?_ How could Remus ever call her sweet and- and _mean_ it? Merlin, he didn't know how much she hated him right now, even more than before if this was even possible. And all she had wanted just a minute ago was to hex Sirius into oblivion! But because Remus bloody Lupin couldn't hold his mouth shut, and she should have expected it, really, it was Mister Glued-On Smug Smile after all, she would have to change her plan yet again. Or, as another possible solution, she could hex both their arses off?

_Oh._

Now _that_ sounded quite appealing, didn't it?

"You know, one day she actually might. Er, strangle you, that is. So you better stop teasing her, Moony."

Tonks shifted closer to the door, settling herself in front of it on her knees. She tried to open it a bit more, just slightly so she could have a good shot at either of them. Both together preferably. She had always hated it when Death Eaters decided to go out alone and do their nasty misdeeds on their own; she just thought that _Stunning_ a whole bunch of them with one spell was first of all saving her a lot of time and then second of all much more effective and not as exhausting as cursing one after another.

"Well Padfoot, you're one to talk, aren't you?"

Oh, and she would curse them _so_ bad! Yes, _both_ of them! Sirius for being the delinquent person that he was, stealing her plan and everything, embarrassing her in a way only a convicted murderer could have done, and Remus for being the stupid git that he was, teasing her all the time and saying that he thought of her as sweet... Merlin, _sweet_? She shuddered at the thought of it.

_Blimey._

"I'm one to talk? I never tease Tonks as much as _you_ do!"

_EH?_

"I seem to recall a particular moment when she had her hands on your throat… about five minutes ago?"

_Hm..._

Tonks smiled devilishly, she couldn't help it. She had, in fact, given Sirius a little bitch fight – and succeeded! She had beaten him up, her old wanker of a cousin, and what was more, she had even got what they had been fighting about: Her infamous (though useless) plan #2 to catch Remus off-guard. It had been, of course, crucial to her to keep it hidden, especially since Remus had entered the room just then when she and her idiot of a cousin had been at the peak of their struggle. And all of a sudden Sirius had been about to tell him everything but she had successfully snatched her parchment out of his hands and then… well, then she had simply fled the crime scene…

"Yeah, well, I didn't want to fight back too much, might've hurt her, you know…"

But who cared? _Fine_, she had fled the crime scene, so what? She had even come back, having remembered that she was a witch and could quite easily hex Sirius' buttocks off before he told Remus. Just that he hadn't… yet. And just that she had only come as far as to lurk outside the door to the living room and listen to Sirius' and Remus' private conversation.

"So you thought it better to let her kill you instead?"

Er, not that she was listening on purpose, of course. As it was, she just _happened_ to sit there. _Not_ her fault, really. Originally, she had determinedly wanted to storm in on them and do some very elegant number of waves with her wand that would do something not very elegant, but all the more amusing, to Sirius and his arse, and probably hurt Remus in the process as well. But then she had heard them talking and Remus had made that one comment that had led her to stop dead in her tracks and slump down onto the floor instead. Because normally, she wouldn't even _want_ to know what these two Marauders had to say. After all, what was there in the world that Mister Innocent Accomplice, apparently being not as innocent as she had thought, and Mister Glued-On Smug Smile, definitely being as smug as she had thought, could be talking about that was worth listening to?

Well, in this case, _her_, that was…

_Blimey._

"She would've never killed me… I think… But I was going to fight back anyway!"

Therefore, understandably, while she hadn't exactly intended to listen, she hadn't at the same time been able to prevent herself from doing so. It wasn't out of curiosity or because she liked to eavesdrop on people in general. No, this time, she just hadn't had any other choice than to keep hidden and listen seeing as their conversation so obviously concerned her. Although, admitted, there was just a slight difference as to what she had strongly expected she would hear these two talk about. She had, in fact, believed that Sirius would have told Remus about her plan by now. The stupid git really had had a nerve to even mess around with her like that! But she would get back to him as soon as she was done with Remus. Or, in remembrance of the other possible solution, she could as well get both of them together with one curse. That might just be the bloody hell of a lot more effective! _And_ satisfying by the way.

_Well…_

Tonks sighed deeply, shaking her head slightly in disbelief. If she considered it now, Merlin, it was a shame that she even needed to think about cursing anyone this much lately. As if she didn't have any other things to do! Because if it wasn't for Sirius and Remus, she could as well be having the time of her life in some fancy bar somewhere right now, but no, here she sat lurking outside a door, listening to a conversation that she hadn't liked from the start and feeling very pathetic in doing so. She was glad, however, that it wasn't _her_ fault which had brought her in this situation. It was _theirs_. Sirius' and Remus'. Definitely! And for a moment there, she began to wonder idly why ever Merlin had sent her the most dim-witted bloodiest wankers in the world to annoy her. But then again, considering her stupid name and the obviously "lovely" family which she had been born into, she was seriously cursed since birth anyway…

Ah yes, "Sirius-ly" cursed sort of hit the mark, didn't it?

"Don't even try to wriggle out of it, Padfoot. She is an Auror, after all. No shame in being afraid of her."

_And_ "Remus-ly" cursed as well. Bugger, was he chuckling again? Tonks turned her attention back to the conversation.

"Yeah, well, _anyway_" she could hear Sirius try for a presumptuous tone – and fail, obviously "_I_ am her _charming_ cousin, so teasing is actually required when it comes to our terms of" he coughed "_friendship_."

_Oh please!_

"_You _Moony, on the other hand" he added and there was evident taunt in his voice now "definitely like teasing her just a bit too much at times, don't you think?"

_Huh…_

_Well…_

As much as she hated to agree, she couldn't deny the fact that Remus somehow seemed to love teasing her. Always, actually. Nobody ever mocked her as much as that master of eyebrow-arching did, not even Snape even if _that_ git was being a disgusting snob and bastard to everyone. But neither did Remus ever make fun of anybody else in the Order! Although, admitted, she was the youngest and therefore the most likely to be thought of as a child and to be treated, and apparently teased, as such. Well, at least she wasn't the most likely _not_ to avenge herself then, her plans pretty much showed her determination, she supposed. Or was it despair by now? Whatever…

Tonks shifted slightly closer, her ear almost pressed through the small split between the frame and the door to the living room. She waited.

Silence.

She frowned.

Why was Remus not answering? What was there to even think about?

"Sirius" came the man's hoarse voice finally though very considerately and seemingly careful, something of a warning in it. "You should drop that tone immediately."

"Which one?"

Sirius sounded as innocent as a convicted murderer ever could – if he actually _was_ guilty.

_Not very convincing, mate_.

"The one that says: I love to jump to conclusions" Remus answered in a slightly ironic tone. "And you shouldn't even try to deny it, I know it by heart."

"Oh, right, _that_ tone!"

Merlin, could her cousin be more teasing now? Tonks didn't think so…

"I'm serious" Remus told him firmly, the slight warning in his calm voice never ceasing.

"No, Moony, that would be me" Sirius answered matter-of-factly and Tonks sighed almost in unison with Remus, having obviously detected the well-known pun at the same time as he had.

_Idiot._

Remus, however, just ignored his best friend and went on:

"Tonks is just-"

"The woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

_WHAT??_

_I-_

_How-_

_The-_

_You-_

_WHAT??_

_SIRIUS!!_

Tonks gritted her teeth to keep from yelling. _Sirius – you git!_ She was fuming with anger instantly, thinking quickly of a way to repay him. Oh, that man was _so_ going to get-

"A good friend" Remus finished his own sentence with determination and a little sigh at the end.

_HUH?_

_What the-?_

Tonks couldn't believe it. What was wrong with these two? How daft could men actually be? She was neither Remus' woman of his dreams, of course _not_, nor could she ever be considered his _good_ friend. Both her cousin and the stupid git which he always hung out with had no idea of what she was – or who! Because clearly, she was the witch who would hex them one after the other into oblivion for being such bloody wankers! _And_ a bit farther if possible… no – much, much farther if possible!

"Ah _yes_" answered Sirius and his incredulous tone implied that he was probably rolling his eyes at Remus. "But then again, you said the same about Irene Aldridge and you loved to tease her as well. Next thing I know, you're snogging her in the cupboard on the third floor."

_Snogging?_

_REMUS?_

Tonks jerked her head away from the door for a second, her mouth open. Remus had snogged someone? Remus? As in bloody Lupin? She ran a hand absent-mindedly through her neon-green shoulder-length hair. But it _was_ Remus bloody Lupin they were talking about, wasn't it? She hadn't thought _him_ to be the snogging kind… That was more than weird. She wondered if-

No.

_Wait! _

What was she thinking there? Tonks shook her head frantically, trying to abandon the stupid thoughts from her mind. What did it matter anyway? It was not as if she liked him! It was _not_ as if she cared! And _please_, it was not as if she was going to snog Remus bloody Lupin on a third floor any time soon either.

"That was years ago when we were still in Hogwarts" came Remus' reply.

"I don't think you've changed that much since."

Tonks glared at the door, trying to imagine it being Sirius. Okay, this was getting on her nerves more and more by second. Had she beaten her stupid cousin _that_ hard on his head? Because, really, something was "Sirius-ly" wrong there, terribly demolished in the upper floors of his bonce. Otherwise she would say that he was outright suggesting now that Remus bloody Lupin had- what? A crush? On _her_?

Tonks shook her head again, furiously this time. Gosh, he was just so _wrong_! It would be more than strange since, _obviously_, Remus didn't like her. Or why would he be constantly teasing her then? HUH? … Although he might have implied, more of actually said that he thought of her as sweet when she was cross with him…

No…

NO!

Uh-uh!

_NEVER!_

Because even if he actually _did_ like her, which was very unlikely anyway, she still didn't like him! Worse even, she hated him! So, so much! Why would she ever want to consider a relationship with Remus bloody eyebrow-arching smug-smiling Lupin?

"Oh Padfoot…" Remus gave a long sigh "And as you might remember as well, Tonks was merely a child of three years back then."

_Right!_

_Huh?_

_Oh..._

Tonks blinked. That had taken her by surprise somehow. She hadn't even thought of the age gap. _Strange._ Why hadn't she ever spared the slightest muse on this before? Remus _was_ as old as Sirius, wasn't he? And therefore about a decade ahead of her... She frowned. It seemed so strange and she didn't quite know what to make of this. It had just never occurred to her before…

Strange.

"Well, no problem there" blurted Sirius from inside the living room all of a sudden, excitement in his voice. "She's twenty-two now! Perfect for you!"

Tonks was jolted out of her musings immediately.

_What?_

_What the-?_

_PERFECT_?

"Oh Sirius, would you _please_ stop already."

_Yeah, you BETTER!_

Despite her own constantly rising irritation and anger, Tonks could tell that Remus was getting annoyed himself. Not that she could actually blame him for this and not that it took her by surprise seeing as her cousin was the impersonation of annoyance.

"Getting red there, aren't we?" Sirius teased on and she almost groaned and wished he would stop already. Although, of course, this had _nothing_ whatsoever to do with her probably pitying that git called Remus. Because _that_ man more than deserved whatever teasing he could get. Definitely!

"Sirius" came Remus' warning voice again. Tonks wondered for a moment if he sometimes considered cursing her cousin like she did herself; it seemed very plausible to her. And she had to admit that Remus as bloody Lupin as he was indeed proved to be a brilliant fighter. Plus, besides, she wouldn't really mind if they started up their own personal fight. In the end, she might not have to deal with either of them at all! When they were done, she could just walk in and laugh at their remains, probably mock them about how they finished each other off and she was the lucky third in this. She bit her lip quite hard against a laugh and instead smiled mischievously to herself at the amusing thought.

"See, now I know I must be right. You keep repeating my name in that own tone of yours, the one that says: You are walking on dangerous field, mate."

Tonks sighed and rolled her eyes at her cousin.

_Well then you probably are..._

"I don't adjust to any tones whatsoever, Sirius" answered Remus to his friends' taunting suggestion yet added, ironically enough, in the same warning tone that he had had before "And you are, by the way, walking on dangerous field, mate."

_You know, actually, you both are_, Tonks thought sarcastically, narrowing her eyes at them though she couldn't see either one of the two Marauders through the small split between the door and the frame. But luckily, she didn't have to; she could as well just shoot a curse aimlessly into the room and wait for the eventual scream when one of them got hit. It had worked on Mad-Eye pretty well once. _And_ on her ex-boyfriend, too, though that was a whole different story. But besides, wouldn't it be too funny? Yup, definitely! So which curse was the best to… well, maybe not really _kill_ them but certainly leave them suffering at the least? _Hm…_

"So it'll be me, right?"

_Jelly-Legs Jinx_? Nah, not mean enough…

"Beg your pardon?"

_Tarantallegra_? Without doubt more amusing, yet still not mean enough…

"The best man, of course!"

A blasting charm? _Confringo_? That one _did_ actually sound very appealing to her but possibly, she supposed, it could also _kill_ them and she had no intention whatsoever to deride debris. They couldn't make cross faces, after all, so no fun there…

_Huh?_

Tonks frowned slightly, the words of her cousin having made their way into her spell-picking therefore busy brain by now.

_Best man?_

"You know, I was too when James got married" Sirius went on matter-of-factly "And I'd certainly like to be your best man as well!"

_Best man, best man…_

Tonks couldn't follow. What was he talking abou-

"Dangerous field, Sirius" Remus replied warningly and Tonks, with a pang of shock and fury, finally realised what her cousin had suggested to him.

_Bloody HELL!_

Was he talking about Remus' and her _marriage_ now?? That mind-deprived git of a Black!

_SIRIUS!_

She practically had to stop herself from shouting out loud. Instead, she clenched her hands to fists, thinking that either the _Confringo_ truly _was_ a good curse to begin with or she would have to simply beat him up again. Or both. First make him cry like a girl, then blow his arse off and possibly make him cry even more so. Whatever the case, he was going to die either way!

"Does that mean you don't want to hear how I found out that my little cousin is all over you as well?"

Tonks' jaw dropped about five miles – or at least it felt as if.

Oh _no_.

_Oh the bloody hell NO!_

He had better _not_ just said that. Sirius, her stupid stray dog of a cousin had better _not_ just told Remus bloody Lupin that she liked him… well… _that_ way!

_OH BOLLOCKS!_

_Confringo_? Why ever would she want to blast off Sirius' arse when she should be starting with his face? Because that blabbering mouth of his needed serious injury to be done to, especially for this last _immensely_ daft sentence of his which had stated her to like- _Ugh!_ She couldn't even think it. But she had already grabbed her wand by now, holding it tightly in her hand, just about ready to storm in and attack.

And she _should_.

Definitely.

Just that-

She didn't.

_Shite._

But somehow… she was sure there was something… she hadn't considered… because she was still waiting for… well… Tonks frowned deeply at herself and the contrasting emotions that filled her. Storm in, wait, storm in, wait. But what exactly _was_ she still waiting for?

Silence.

And suddenly, with a jolt of evident shock, her eyes wide open, her mouth hanging loosely in a way that she could as well swallow a dragon, Tonks realised that Remus hadn't answered.

Damn.

He.

Had.

Not.

_Answered_!

She looked down, then ran a hand through her hair, looked up again and pressed her ear to the door, listening closely with her breath caught in her chest. But there was only silence.

_Merlin…_

Why was Remus not answering? WHY? He shouldn't even hesitate! Or… or did he actually want to hear that she was all over him? All over…_ him_?

_Merlin, no!_

That just couldn't-

_Impossible!_

Because there was no way, absolutely no way that Remus bloody Lupin would want her to be "all over him"! He just couldn't!

_Oh, __shite!_

Tonks took a deep steadying breath. _Think_, she told herself frantically. _Stop panicking already! Think. THINK!_ And suddenly, she knew the answer. Merlin, why hadn't she thought of this before? Why was she even panicking that much? Certainly, Remus was just acting out another skilled performance of his eyebrow-arching in front of Sirius. _Yes._ He didn't answer because this actually _was_ his answer. Yes exactly! Remus had raised his eyebrow in mock-fashion and Sirius didn't know what else to say! Tonks let out the breath that had previously been caught in her chest, relief flooding her. Merlin, she had been afraid there for a moment…

"No…?"

Tonks' head snapped up so fast in surprise that it almost hurt. Why, had the eyebrow-arching not done its job? Because Remus' slowly and carefully uttered reply had almost sounded similar to a question… A _question_?

"You hesitated" Sirius whispered astoundedly, then let out a shrieking bark of triumph which Tonks was sure could have split her ears in two if she had been standing right next to him. "Blimey, Moony, you hesitated!"

"Thinking that you must have lost your mind again" Remus retorted calmly yet firm enough and added with determination "I did _not_ hesitate."

There was a pause. Bugger, her cousin was probably grinning cheekily at him.

_Get a grip, Sirius. He did _not_ hesitate!_

"Denial!" roared the man and it was evident that he was enjoying this more and more by second in contrast to Tonks' increasing white-hot fury against him. _Git!_ "You are _so_ into her already that you actually have to deny it! Merlin, I can't believe how far you've gone already!"

_Oh no! No, no, no, no, no!_

Who the bloody hell did Sirius think he was? Everybody else would clearly see that Remus did _not_ have a thing for her! He so did _not_ have a thing for her! Period!

"How long do we have to be talking about this?"

"As long as it takes for you to admit it!" Sirius exclaimed, laughing loudly all the while. Tonks was already contemplating to make a plan for him, too. A "Sirius" plan that would be… and he seemed to have clearly _earned_ himself one by now. Or two.

"Then we shall never get out of here" Remus sighed, the annoyance evident in his voice.

"Oh, you old lecherous man lusting for my clumsy little cousin" came Sirius' teasing sing-song in return. Tonks gritted her teeth painfully. She almost couldn't hold back an angry yell. As it was, she could perfectly imagine the man happily dancing and spinning around while pointing a finger at his opposite every now and then and sniggering like a girl all the while. It made her put a hand to her forehead and squeeze her eyes shut. That man, that idiot of a man… Merlin, she didn't even have any words for him anymore. But in any case, she should be seriously hexing her idiot of a cousin. Right this moment. Just before he could come up with anything else "decent" enough to say…

"Old, yes… Precisely."

_Huh?_

_WHAT?_

Tonks eyes snapped open again as she let her wand clonk to the floor in disbelief. Merlin, bloody Merlin. This must be the icing on the cake. How daft could Remus actually be? Why ever would he agree to her cousin calling him a lusty lecherous old man while dancing around in mock-fashion? Had he given up on defending himself already? Bloody hell - he was such whimp!

"So that's the problem?" Sirius asked curiously all of a sudden, a little of surprise in his highly amused voice. "You think you're too _old_ for her, Moony?"

_Oh- just- Belt up, Sirius!_

"Well, since you put it that way, I do not think I'm anything for her at all" Remus replied firmly. "And I'm fairly certain she will agree."

_Oh._

_WOW!_

Tonks couldn't almost believe his words. That was the first thing since the beginning of their conversation that Remus, any of them actually, had got right. And she would've never thought that she could have one single belief in unison with him. But here they were, thinking the exact same thing: She and Remus – a pair? _Nuh__-uh!_ So clearly _not_ a possibility! Sirius, however, simply groaned at this and said in a somewhat defeated, even sad voice:

"There you go again, Moony. You really haven't changed that much. Same self-deprecating idiot as you were back in Hogwarts. Shame, mate, since I know for sure that the feeling is mutual…"

Silence.

Utter silence.

Once again, Remus didn't answer. Instead, and before Tonks could even make out a sparkle of thought in her mind or any emotion, preferably fury, in her stomach relating to Sirius' words, she heard movement inside the living room and footsteps were slowly heading towards the exit where she still sat lurking. She jerked away from the door in panic and fell over in the process. But bruises aside, someone was coming and if they saw her here… She needed to _run_! _Shite!_ She got up hastily and raced up the stairs to her bedroom as fast as she could, not looking behind and not tripping once which was fortunate though a first, whilst thinking over and over again:

_Mutual? The feeling's supposed to be MUTUAL? Yeah… as IF!_

* * *

**_Tonks's__ Christmas Mischief __On __Remus__ – The__ Third_**

_**Victim:** DUH!_

_**Purpose:** DUH-UH!_

_**Plan #3**_

_A) __Er_

_Well…_

_Probably…_

_Maybe…_

_How about…_

_You could..._

_Why not..._

_Oh bugger._

Tonks sat at her desk fidgeting about, a pencil in her hand with its end currently resting between her lips. The sun outside the window was slowly leaving ground and the evening was turning into night instead, but she didn't care because she had much more interesting things on her mind. She was thinking, musing, pondering quite hardly, though no, actually, she wasn't at all. Because she just wasn't able to hold a clear thought for one minute. Not one! And certainly, she was just as unable of thinking up another plan for Remus.

Why?

Well… _because._ Because it was _Remus_' plan. Because it was _Remus_ she needed to think of in the process. And, oh shite, because he'd called her sweet and had hesitated to answer when Sirius had stated him to…

The pencil dropped from her mouth onto the desk and Tonks' head followed quickly. Which, actually, hadn't been the best idea, she noted a second later, for it left a sharp stinging pain on her forehead and a pencil-shaped bruise there in addition.

_Blimey._

_Damn you, Sirius…_

Tonks captured her head in her hands, chewing on her bottom lip and feeling white-hot anger mingled with growing despair boil up in her stomach again.

_Damn you, Sirius!_

Merlin, even the name of that git caused her to want to lose control and destroy about everything in close vicinity. That picture of his family's crest for example might just be the perfect victim; glass splattering seemed to offer such wonderful bliss all of a sudden. Although, she noted with disappointment, he probably wouldn't really miss it. Well, who would? It was ugly, really. But anyway, on the subject of Sirius… If anyone was to blame for all of her problems now, it should be him! Definitely! _Oh_ yes, he was the one responsible - for everything! He was the source for her inability to think, he was the reason she would forever be having the hardest time to look Remus bloody Lupin in his stupid eyes again with his bloody arched brow above it making her think that he was teasing her just because he thought of her as sweet when she was angry with him. Oh, not to mention that Sirius was now officially criminal Number One on her list of enemies. And if there was anyone she should be making a plan for at this moment, it clearly proved to be him! And then Remus, of course… And after that Mad-Eye, Number Three on the list, closely followed by Snape, Mundungus, then Charlie… Yeah, well, admitted, the list of her enemies was quite long, but it wasn't _her_ fault that people were so annoying! Really. And as for Sirius…

Tonks took a deep breath and grabbed the pencil again. She held it firmly in her hand, thought for a moment, then eagerly started to scribble on the parchment in front of her, a smile spreading across her face and increasing with every new word she added to the plan. Clearly, her idiot wanker of a cousin would not be shown any mercy at all.

**_Tonks's__ Christmas __Vengeance __On__ Sirius stupid Black_**

_**Victim:** Sirius stupid Black; first cousin once removed, git for life and the world's bloodiest __wanker__ ever! (except for Remus bloody Lupin maybe...)_

_**Purpose:** Vengeance? Says it all…_

_**Means for this to be put into action:** A wand (see pocket)_

_**Plan (first and final!)**_

_A) Walk up to him._

_B) Draw your wand._

_C) Kill him._

_D) That should do._

_**Possibe upcoming problems:**_

_1) None – He's dead, right? What's he going to do about it? Besides, everyone will be better off anyway and really happy, too. __Hm__… except for Harry probably… nah, he'll get over it eventually._

_Ah yes, have a merry "Merry Christmas" then!_

Tonks lay down the pencil whilst smiling smugly to herself. She felt utterly satisfied all of a sudden, filled to the brim with happiness. She almost wanted to throw herself on the bed and scream into a pillow or jump cheerfully up and down on it or both even. Merlin, had she ever developed a better plan before? She didn't think so. Because, although it seemed quite short compared to the ones for Remus, she thought that it might also be the most effective yet. Certainly it was! The simplicity of it just said it all: Draw wand. Perform curse. Kill off. – Pure genius! Not to mention the image of blissful silence afterwards! She could almost smell freedom. There would be no more teasing, at least not from her cousin, no more plan-stealing or embarrassment or any stupid things he could say about Remus probably liking her. Because he didn't. Definitely. Really. How could Sirius even think that, anyway? She shook her head. Oh, such a daft man, such a poor, poor man. He shouldn't have started messing around with her. Now he was going to pay, too bad…

_Knock, Knock._

Tonks was jolted out of her musings immediately and winced slightly at the disturbing sound. She whirled around to face the door from which the knocking had come from and frowned deeply. Who would want to have a word with her at this time of the day, especially when she was making up brilliant vengeance plans? Or did Ginny probably just fancy another game of Exploding Snap with her? Shame, she liked playing and joking around with the girl but she was rather busy now, deciding on whether or not to let Sirius suffer before she killed him. Some things were just more important than others, she would have to tell her that eventually. But she could as well promise Ginny to have a game after the death of Mister Innocent Accomplice, and probably throw a party, too, that day, just because of the auspicious occasion...

_Knock, Knock._

"I'm coming!" Tonks shouted merrily, her wonderful plan still in her mind and making her feel rather happy, as she stood up to hurtle over to the door and opened it. However, all she could see out there in the corridor was a single… _hand_? Her eyebrows shot together. She certainly hadn't expected a _hand_ to turn up on her threshold. A hand with a wand to be exact. _Very strange._ But wait a second… Tonks blinked and looked closer, having spotted something familiar on the wooden stick in front of her. There was a little scratch on the top which she thought very much resembled… _Oi!_ That was not just any wand, it was _her_ wand! She stretched out a hand of her own immediately but the one in front of her jerked away.

_What the-?_

"Finders keepers, right?"

Tonks stopped dead in her tracks. Oh bugger, she knew that voice. Sure enough, the hand belonged to a tall, lean man who stepped in sight from around the corner and smiled a well-known but certainly infuriating smug smile at her.

_Remus._

Tonks glared at him, very much out of habit since she had become used to glaring at this man, but then remembered what she had overheard him say in the living room and shifted her gaze quickly to her wand which he held firmly in his hand. Shite, was she blushing already? Damn.

"Where'd you get that?" she asked, just because she needed something to do and conversation, even if she didn't fancy one with Mister Glued-On Smug Smile, seemed a rather favourable option. She kept her eyes looked on the wand all the while for she just wasn't able to look up and see that bloody git raise his eyebrows at her again – which he undoubtedly would do any second, very possibly already had done.

"Found it."

"Sorry?"

"Found it."

"Where?"

Actually, talking to the man while not looking at him seemed very strange, but then again, talking to him and looking at him at the same time might just make her mind go crazy. And she really shouldn't be thinking about him! She had to keep her mind off of Remus bloody Lupin and find something else to ponder about. For example her wand. Where had he got that one from? She kept it in her jeans' pockets all the time, she never left it lying around. _Found it_? Yeah, as if! He probably stole it just for fun!

"Downstairs, outside the living room. I almost tripped over it."

_Shame you didn't._

"Right" Tonks said, biting her lip. She remembered all of a sudden that indeed it might've been her own fault that she had lost her wand. It could have fallen from her hand when she had heard footsteps coming and panicked or some time before that. No, wait, that would make it his fault again, wouldn't it? Since it had been probably him who had startled her to death that moment... But blimey, did he know she had been eavesdropping? She shut her eyes for a second, took in a long deep breath and then forced herself to look up into his eyes. She just needed to see his face, needed to see if he knew that she had been there listening to his and Sirius' entire conversation about whether or not he fancied her. Which he did not. Definitely. But she should've known that when looking up at him she would only see-

_Smug smile.__ No surprise._

"Thanks. Can I have it back now?" she asked, her sweet voice etched with a certain sharpness in it. She just wanted her wand and him to get out of the room – fast! But Remus seemed to contemplate for a moment there, his gaze shifting from her to the wooden stick in question and back as if he was trying to decide on what to do next. She could almost swear he was thinking about teasing her just a little bit more, probably he was contemplating asking her if she had a bribe for him or something. She would certainly not put it past him to try and blackmail her... And therefore she was almost surprised when he handed her the wand without any further remarks. Did that mean he liked her? Or did that mean he didn't since he wasn't teasing her any further? Tonks grabbed the wand tightly in her fingers, telling herself to stop thinking already. It was making her crazy, for sure. After all, Remus did _not_ have a thing for her. Period!

"Thanks" she repeated, forcing herself to smile though it might have turned out a bit like a sarcastic grimace.

"You're welcome" Remus said but didn't make any efforts to leave yet and instead leaned lazily against the doorframe, burying his hands in the pockets of his trousers and looking at her somewhat intensely. She felt more than uncomfortable under his sharp stare, unable to decide on what to do next and wondering why he was acting so strange all of a sudden. Why didn't he just go? What was he waiting for?

"So…"

_How about you leave now?_

Oh bugger, she couldn't even formulate the sentence, not to mention in a way that made it sound polite yet had him understand that she wanted him to leave. And she did. It felt so strange to just stand there in front of this man, especially when she wasn't sure what he was thinking. Since he might be thinking about her. Merlin… Tonks glanced sideways at the plan for Sirius lying on her desk and thought idly that she should put it into action very soon. Her mind-deprived git of a cousin so deserved to be living underground, which was actually quite funny since he already sort of did. But he had contact with others still, especially in a way which influenced her life and mind far too much lately. She shuddered at the thought that he might even go around and tell people that Remus… Bollocks! Remus bloody Lupin so did _not_ have a thing for her! PERIOD!

"Well, I have some … er… things to do…" she uttered slowly in a feeble attempt to find something she could occupy herself with while hoping that he would get the hint. She looked at him expectantly.

_And don't you start raising that eyebrow again._

_No, I said don't!_

_OI!_

Tonks wondered for a moment if there existed an eyebrow-arching-contest somewhere out there somewhere. Who could raise his eyebrows in best fashion? Winner: Remus bloody Lupin. No surprise… She waited, shifting uncomfortably and nervously from one foot to the other. Even the daftest of men got hints that obvious, right? And finally, as if he had read her mind, though she had always supposed that he might be a skilled Legilimens without having told anybody, Remus nodded and backed away from the door.

"See you at dinner then" he said and added with that irritating smug smile claiming his face "_Nymphadora_."

She scowled at him, wondering if she should tell him off for using that name again or simply kick the door shut in front of his face. Both options sounded very appealing, the latter even more than the first but she couldn't help it still.

"Remus!" she admonished him through gritted teeth "I told you about a ninety-hundred times already to _not_ – call – me – NYMPHADORA!"

He made a little bowing gesture in mock-fashion in front of her, the smile never leaving his face.

"As you wish, little lady" he replied amusedly and then turned away from her and began descending the stairs slowly, whistling to himself some happy Christmas song which Sirius, she noticed a second later with displeasure, had already sung the whole day long. She narrowed her eyes at him and raised her wand for a moment, already deciding on a good curse to aim at his back, but instead of hexing him, she just kicked the door shut after a minute and threw herself on her bed. She had really wanted to throw something nasty at him and she still did but there was one thought in particular which kept her from cursing that git. By all means, he and this bloody soddin' cousin of hers would soon not have the possibility to sing any song ever again in the future. All she needed was another plan, a final one, an ultimate plan. And Merlin, would she make sure of their demise in every way!

OoOoOoOoO

You actually think I'll offer you a bribe this time? Far from it, people! Because everyone who doesn't review this time will be sent a sweet but angry Tonks to be cursed into oblivion. Scared? Better leave a review then! ;D

I feel as if there are far too many "Sirius-serious" puns in this. But then again, I love those!

Irene Aldrigde and the third floor? Well, the first one is not that important but the latter will certainly play a significant role in the next chapter! You see, snogging only can be done on third floors - or on first floors if there's a balcony to the flats. (By the way, I'm lucky to live on a third floor! What about you?)

Just for the record: Tonks really does look sweet when she's angry. Remus knows this. As does Sirius (if he isn't too busy being strangled by her).

Furthermore: Sirius does tease Tonks rather often - just not as often as Remus does! ;) Being beaten up by Tonks is really no fun. Sirius actually walked away with a bruise out of this battle. Which makes Tonks happy all the more. But Sirius was going to fight back... really... uhu... -.-;

Moreover: Sirius would really love to be Remus' best man. As a quid pro quo, Remus would always ask Sirius to be his best man. Although he might want to talk about this with Tonks first...

Another interesting fact: I don't know if the Black's family crest was ever mentioned in the books (don't remember this) but in here it's a big black - MAMMOTH! (Why? No idea...)

One thing still: Tonks does not want to kill Sirius... not really... maybe just a bit... (she'd probably use a tickling charm for this - which is actually very cruel I must admit...)

And last but not least: please remember this rule: First comes the teasing, then the snogging on the third floor!

Therefore let's all start teasing somebody and then see where it takes us (er... third floor?); bye bye und tschüß


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